Baca bila free ..

Cara-Cara Nak Handle Hantu...

Pocong Hantu yang berbungkus macam lepat pisang baru masak ni memang mudah cari kelemahannya. Kita hanya perlu bukak tali pengikat di atas kepalanya dan tarik kain balutannya. Sudah tentu dia akan berasa malu kerana dia tidak pakai apa apa pun, selain kain kapan pembungkusnya tu.

Langsuir Dia ni suka pandang muka kita, jadi beranikan diri anda tenung balik muka dia sambil jelir-jelir lidah. Kalau tak pun tunjuk cermin muka kat dia, pasti dia tersipu-sipu malu.

Pontianak Hantu yang suka ketawa. Kalau terserempak dengan dia, kita pun mestilah ketawa sama. Kalau boleh kita cuba mengilai lebih kuat dari dia, tentu dia boring.

Hantu Raya Hantu ni suka beraya dan suka menyamar jadi tuan dia. Cara mengalahkannya senang saja, sambutlah hari raya tiap kali jumpa dia, bagi duit raya, ajak main meriam buluh, suruh kacau dodol atau jaga lemang. Tentu dia tak kacau kita sebab banyak kerja dan aktiviti lain dia nak buat.

Hantu Galah Hantu ni la yang paling tinggi di muka bumi. Kalau terjumpa dia, kita hendaklah meniarap. Pasti dia tak perasan kita ada disitu.

Jerangkung Dia ni ada kulit tapi nipis. Tinggal rangka saja, dan paling mudah untuk menewaskannya. Kita hanya perlu tunjal dahinya dengan telunjuk dan lihat gerak-gerinya mengimbangi badan untuk berdiri tegak.

Toyol Lagi senang kalau nak kalahkan dia, bagi duit satu sen berguni-guni..nanti dia ingat duit emas, lepas tu dia pikul bawak balik bagi tuannya... lepas tu sah-sah lah dapat penampau Jepun dari tuannya kerana mana nak tukar duit satu sen banyak2 tu

Hantu Ponteng Yang ni payah sikit nak cakap sebab, hantu-hantu ni cam korang lerrr...takder kerja lain asyik ponteng kerja, lepas tu nengok e-mail.. macam sekarang nih..sah-sah tengah ponteng nie.. macamana nak jawab..korang sendiri gak jadik hantu.. jadi bayak-bayaklah buat kerja ....


hehehee ..kan dah suruh baca bila free :D


PS: To my English speaking readers, this post is about ways to get rid off the different types of ghosts (kind of a joke). CQ is in jobless mode now ..lols

Just Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches.

After about 15 minutes, she taps his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is a about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady; "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself.

"We can't chew the because we've not teeth." she replied.

The puzzled driver asks again, "Why do you buy them then?

The old lady replied; " We just love the chocolate around them."

Cikgu and cermin

"Patience is the art of concealing your Impatience"

Cerita rekaan yang mencuit hati
- tidak ada kena-mengena dengan yang masih hidup atau dah mati

Ini kisah pasal sepasang suami dan isteri orang asli yang tinggal di dalam hutan. Rumah dorang ni dibina di atas pokok ... 2 tingkat lagi tu. Si suami kerja nya mencari makanan di hutan, sama ada dengan pergi berburu ataupun memetik buah-buah hutan. Si isteri pula tinggal mengemas dirumah.

Suatu hari, si suami pergi mencari makanan dihutan. Sedang mencari-cari.. tiba-tiba dia terjumpa cermin. Dia pon bawak balik cermin tu dan disimpankan cermin tersebut di tingkat atas rumahnya tanpa pengetahun isterinya.

Setiap hari sebelum pergi keluar mencari makanan, dia akan masuk ke bilik dan melihat cerminnya ...macam cool aje =) Sehinggalah satu hari, si isteri naik pelik melihat telatah suaminya tu.

Maka disiasatlah bilik yang selalu dimasuki oleh suaminya bimbang-bimbang kalau suaminya menyimpan perempuan lain di bilik tersebut tanpa pengetahuannya. Dan punyalah terkejut beruk, dia masuk je bilik tu, dia ternampak cermin suaminya.

Oleh kerana si isteri ni tak tau cermin tu apa.. so, dia ingat orang dalam cermin tu memang perempuan simpanan suaminya. Apa lagi, habis dia berlari dan meraung menangis lah dia cari mak nya. Lepas berjumpa dengan maknya. Emak dia cakap nak lihat sendiri perempuan yang kononnya disembunyikan oleh suaminya tu.

Lalu maknya pon masuk ke bilik tersebut. Kemudian keluar dari bilik tersebut sambil ketawa terbahak-bahak.

Isteri: Apasal mak ketawa?

Mak: Apa teruk benor selere suami ko tu ..kalau ye pon nak kawin lain.. carik lah perempuan yang elok sikit. Ini tak.. aku tengok perempuan kat bilik tu, dah lah tua, hodoh pulak tu..

lagi kwang kwang kwang =)

It's Saturday

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

– Robin Williams

When ayam also took the opportunity to sleep back after sahur ~ kweng kweng kweng =)

Grooming the nursing witches

One night Udin's wife woke Udin up who was in deep sleep.

Udin's wife: Honey, quick wake up.

Udin: iisssh.. what's it waking me up in the middle of the night?

Udin's wife: You had forgotten to take your medicine, quick get up, the doctor had reminded that you have to take them before going to bed.

Udin: What medicine?

Udin's wife: Sleeping pills.

Udin: @#%^#^????

Lols. Well, the medicine has got to do with CQ's next post. Read on ..

A few days ago, CQ accompanied someone to a clinic in Gadong. While waiting for our turn to be called up, CQ saw behind the counter, four female clinic assistants. As like any other days, CQ assumed they were busy with registrations, updating and so on. One of the ladies was wearing tudung while the other three were not.

What amused CQ was that the three ladies not in tudung were letting their hair in such messed-up or tangled-up or as if they had just woken up from bed and gone straight to work! CQ bet with you readers that even the 'Witches of Eastwick' could have lost the Oscars award to them huhu ..

Has grooming taken the back seat?? Though it is not an obliged requisite to be in uniforms, private clinic should however maintain their staffs' grooming standards. In medical contexts, personal grooming is the art of cleaning, grooming and hygiene practices which too, include dental, occupational, and public hygiene.

These clinic assistants were not even wearing any gloves when handling or proportioning patients' medicine! Oh my...you can see one of the assistants was touching her hair and then handled an earlier patient's medicine! Aren't clinics supposed to be an example of a public area where hygiene is strictly adhered??

CQ thinks, on CQ's next visit, CQ will definitely highlight the matter to the doctors - whom were well attired ...or maybe quiz those clinic assistants.. Aiyooohhhh

True enough eh ..

A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it.

Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper.

Her father said 'If you both come back I will allow you to marry. I accept that you love each other truly. 'So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day.

While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his fiancee, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after some time that she recovered from her shocked. The funeral and cremation was the very next day as he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night,she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately. She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained..

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains,and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained. She was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady in her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked 'What is this...?'

The old lady replied...













'Try DYNAMO Liquid Soap ... just a dab and it will remove all stubborn stains!'






Sure all of you boring ehhh ... don't worry CQ pun kana ehh ..still hunting for the person who mailed this to me!!! lols

When Arthu experiments...

Arthu dreads when it comes to Biology class. One day, each student was asked to present an experiment by their teacher.

While waiting for his turn, Arthu experiments on his cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'walk! walk!' The cockroach walked. Then he cut off its second leg and told the same. The cockroach again walked.

Then Arthu cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk.

Suddenly Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf!'

The whole class ?????

Taxi driver ghost story

As told by one expatriate - A taxi driver picked up a young girl in white from outside Lucky Plaza one night.

She asked to be taken to Chua Chu Kang and the driver drove off. As the taxi nears Chua Chu Kang it passed the cemetery and the driver decided to ask for more directions 'Where shall I drop you?' and he looked in the rear view mirror.

To his horror the back seat was empty. He's shaken and believed he has just sent a ghost to her home in the cemetery. He made his way to a nearby 24hr coffee shop and told his fellow taxi drivers the horrible experience over a shaky cup of coffee.

One of the other taxi drivers laughed at the story then finished his coffee and got into his taxi and drove off to town to look for fares. It happened that he's also at Lucky Plaza and gets flagged down by a girl in white. She got in the taxi and told him to take her to Chua Chu Kang and they drove off.

As they near Chua Chu Kang and approached the cemetery he remembered the horror story told by the other taxi driver. He sneakes a peek at the rear view mirror and to his horror the back seat was empty.

He jammed the brakes on and the taxi came to a screeching halt. Then shivering in fear he slowly turned around and rising from the floor of the taxi he saw a white face with blood smeared around the mouth. So he did the reasonable thing, he screamed and got out of the taxi and ran off into the night.

After some panic stricken time later, he came to his senses and decided to go to the police station to report the incident and hopefully get an escort to retrieve his taxi.

He entered the Chua Chu Kang Police post and then froze in horror. The bloodly mouthed ghost was standing in the police station waiting for him. The ghost slowly turned to him and then raised her arm to point at him with one finger and then opened her bloody mouth and said...

'What's wrong with the taxi drivers in Singapore? The first one drove off before I even got into the taxi and the other one brakes when I bend down to put on my lipstick and I get the whole tube on my face and then he doesn't even apologize, he just runs off screaming and leaves me sitting there!'

Think Positive! Think Healthy! :)

A cup of tips

Lesson 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each.

So the eager senior manager shouted: "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries." Pfufffff...and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted: "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails." Pfufffff...and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said: "I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm."

Moral: "Always allow the Boss to speak first"

Lesson 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. "I just need one copy."

Moral: "NEVER, never assume that your Boss knows everything"

Lesson 3
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:

Brain: I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood: I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach: I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs: I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes: I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
A**hole: I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the a**hole very mad. To prove his point, the a**hole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.

Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 - The other organs agreed to let the a**hole be in charge.

MORAL: "No matter who you are, OR how important you think you are, you will find that it is always the a**hole that is in charge"

Tomiko & Jeriko

This is a real life Tomiko and Jeriko story ...err you know the cat and the mouse. But it is sooooo different as compared to Cartoon Network's version.

Tomiko, the cat, somehow got locked out and had to wait for his owner to come home and let him in. So he waited calmly on the window sill. Jeriko, the mouse, being mischievous as ever, try to befriend Tomiko ...so let's read their story ...huhu

Jeriko: Hi Tomiko...

Tomiko: huh??? ..what are you doing here?

Jeriko: Awwww we are not filming today ..so chill out will you.
Tomiko: eehhhhh tikus niii ...nak kena agaknya ??
Jeriko: what did you say??
Tomiko: acaahhh aje (just kidding)

Tomiko: eehh Jeriiii ...please baahh don't embarrass me, blog readers are watching us laahh..

Jeriko: goood ...then they know that we can make peace tooo hihihi..

Tomiko: issshhhhhh ...Ciliqueen where are youuuuu???
Jeriko: She's writing this story baahh ...so relaxxx lerrr

Tomiko: ohhh no! it's so embarrasssingggg!!
Jeriko: uuhhhhhh ...can i squeezzzze in here? uuuhhhhh

The End!

Call Center

When your morning suddenly goes wrong :)

Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: Ok...
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: Ok. Right click again.. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?
Customer: Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

Customer: I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.
Tech Support: Did you install the update?
Customer: No. Oh.. am I supposed to install it to get it to work?

Tech Support: What type of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.
Tech Support : _____

Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Customer: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.
Tech Support: Well?
Customer: How do I know when it's ready?
Tech Support: *** ---- ++++

CCO: I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: Could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Customer: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?


Patience is the art of concealing your impatience!

Senyum pagi Sabtu

Al-kisah kain sarung abang. Disebuah desa ada sepasang kekasih. Si gadis sedih, sebab setiap kali kekasihnya datang ke rumahnya, kekasihnya itu selalu hanya memakai kain.. maklumlah di desa.

Akhirnya gadis itupun menceritakan kesedihannya, "Abang, kalau datang kerumah, jangan pakai kain la.... malulah dengan keluarga".

Akhirnya si kekasih menyanggupinya untuk memakai seluar, " Ok esok abang beli kain untuk buat celana panjang." Sesudah membeli kain, pemuda itu pergi ke tukang jahit untuk menjahitkan bahan celananya.

Pada hari yang dijanjikan, pemuda itu kembali ke tukang jahit untuk mengambil celana yang sudah siap. Kata tukang jahit, "mas..., celananya sudah siap. Masih ada sisa bahan 1/2 meter lagi. Bisa dibawa pulang"

Pemuda itu gembira, jadi juga celananya, fikirnya. Dia balik ke rumah dan petang harinya terus menuju kerumah si kekasih untuk menunjukkan celana barunya. Dia memakai celana itu. Tapi kerana kebiasaan, dia tetap juga memakai kain sarungnya. Maknanya celana di dalam dan di luar ialan kain sarung.

Ditengah perjalanan, si pemuda sakit perut. Kerana tidak tahan, akhirnya dia ke tandas awam. Segera setelah selesai buang hajat, dia terburu-buru memakai kain sarungnya , dan lupa memakai celana panjang barunya.

Ketika sampai dirumah sang kekasih, si gadis berkata, "Laa banggg mengapa masih pakai kain sarung, katanya mau pakai celana panjang....tapi masih pakai kain jugak"

Dengan bangga si pemuda mengangkat kain sarungnya sambil berkata, "Nih.. tengoklaaa, kan abang pakai celana panjang baru abang".

Seketika itu si gadis menjerit, "eeehhhhhh...bangggg *opsss transmission of dialogue lost* "

Dengan tersenyum bangga si pemuda menjawab, "Memanglah celana abang panjang. Dirumah masih ada ½ meter lagi"...

Si gadis ????


p/s: other languages not available at time of posting :D

3 good buddies

Once upon a time, there were 3 good buddies ~ the 'Robbie' Rat, the 'Swayze' Snail and the 'Czar' Centipede. Living in a humble home about a mile away from the city of nowhere.

One day, the rat fall sick and urgently needed medicine.

The snail said, "Hey, Czar, i think you better go to the city and get some medicine for Robbie ...errr you know that I'll take days to reach the city."

"OK kokey," replied the Czar Centipede with much enthusiasm.

Since the centipede has got many legs, he will be able to get the medicine within one hour. And off the centipede went to the city.

It had been two hours now and the snail is so worried. So he went to the door to see if the centipede is on his way home. When the snail opened the door, he fainted. Why????

The centipede is still putting on his shoes.... kwang kwang kwang

elephant ride

eewwwww ...yikes! lols

Phone bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...

Dad: People, this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone; I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So Sir, what is the problem? We all use our work telephones.

Singular & Plural

Seorang suami sedang mencari helah untuk membolehkan dia berkahwin lagi. Antara alasan yang diberikannya:

Suami: Lelaki kahwin 3 baru lah sah.

Isteri: Kenapa pula?

Suami: Cuba terjemahkan ke dalam Bahasa Inggeris, 'satu' is one, 'dua' is two, 'tiga' isteri (is three). Baru betul dan sah!

Isteri: Tapi abang kena faham Bahasa Inggeris, terutama tentang 'singular' dan 'plural'.

Suami: Berkenaan apa tu?

Isteri: Satu tu 'Singular'; dua atau lebih 'Plural'.

Suami: Contohnya?

Isteri: One car sebagai singular, two cars sebagai plural. Apabezanya?

Suami: Ohhh... tambah huruf 's' untuk yang plural.

Isteri: Betul tu. Sama juga la untuk abang.

Suami: Macam mana pula boleh sama?

Isteri: Satu isteri abang MAMPU, jika dua isteri dah jadi plural, maka abang MAMPUS tambah 's' je, kan?

Suami: Oooooooohhhhhhhh.....

kwang kwang kwang....

HUH??

Doctor: Good afternoon...

Patient: Afternoon Doc...

Doctor: What's wrong with you?

Patient: A few green bean seeds got into my ears ...

Doctor: Let me check your ears ok...

....minutes later after checking...

Doctor: There's 2 ways to take out the seeds...

Patient: What ways, doc?

Doctor: First, by a small surgery that will cost $2,000.00 ...but the second procedure is free.

Patient: What? Too expensive for the first option...how's the second one that is free?

Doctor: For the free procedure, you must be very patient.

Patient: Alright, I am patient enough ..what must I do?

Doctor: You have to water your ear for two days and wait...when the seeds become beansprouts, you just pull them out...

Patient: HUH???

Start and end your day with a Smile, because a Smile is also a medicine ...don't tension2.

gooood nite :D

just to make you smile...

This is my first full post written in mix of English and Melayu Brunei. This joke was given to me by a Bruneian friend, a couple of months ago. I am not sure if this joke has been written in any of the local blogs; should it has been...please be assured that it was not intended to be a copycat nor to offend anyone but for me to have a go at writing in the said languages especially Melayu Brunei.

Ceta nya cemani bah ...ada sorang awang baru start keja di airport control senter..trainee kali aaah... Masa break ...iatah ia sorang saja di opis...then ia kedengaran ada kol SOS dari satu airplane yang inda tau asal usul nya.. kat frequency radio...so si awang ani pun bakurapak tah dengan Kapten atu....

Kapten: meyday meyday....help anyone! airport control??

Awang: halaau...

Kapten: my airplane has been hit...

Awang: aahhhh tamparik kali...

Kapten: you must help...please...my airplane is going down...

Awang: apa kaaan....what?

Kapten: help! airplane is going to crash.....what to do?

Awang: oohhh....ada imam inda di airplane atu?

Kapten: what imam?

Awang: cemani tah...u ikut what i cakap ok....

Kapten: ok...hurry up!

Awang: innalillahiwainnalillahirajiuun .....

Kapten: @#^&%$()@@#$#@